good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
