God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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