see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
