I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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