Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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