"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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