im drinking this country out of the recession.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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