she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
