someone threw a dead crab at me
I cannot find my penis.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
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