so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
