You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
