matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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