She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
