You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
