see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
