It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
