i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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