Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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