When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
