Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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