i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Green mimosas i think yes
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
