My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Two words: blizzard sex
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
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