I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
