I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He passed out mid-signature
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
