I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I need a hoe opinion
go on
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
