You really coming over, don't trick.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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