Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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