I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
