The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Randomize
