So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
