my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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