You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
