when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
