shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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