when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Randomize
