I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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