living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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