If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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