Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just googled if crying burns calories
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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