We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
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