you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
it's like iHOP with fire
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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