you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
