i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
