When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Let's paint friendship bongs
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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