New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
