Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
