I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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