So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
what day is it and did you see me today?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I lost the right to judge tonight
Randomize
