I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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