Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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