Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
