Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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